Insight from a Psychotherapist: Is it a fantasy or is it a trauma response?
A colleague of mine who completed the same trauma training as I did was messaging with me the other day. They wanted feedback on the subject of sex. Specifically, the lack of it, since returning from their intensive program.
You had started the SSRI by then, I said.
You are in your late 40s, I also said.
What else has changed? I asked.
I healed my trauma, they said.
2/3 of the people just in my small group were survivors of sexual abuse as children and/or adults. When I survey porn, I see a majority of themes that are culturally or legally forbidden and/or taboo. My own sexual fantasies have been…mostly consensual. The violent and the violation can cross circuit with pleasure and, out of that trauma, a kink, a fantasy, a predilection grows.
There was a story on Vice I refer to often about a Cheetah that would not mate in captivity. It became too expensive to fly in possible paramours so the team at the Wildlife Center thought it would be more cost effective to bring a variety of male urine samples to her, so she could sniff out her ideal mate.
She knew what she wanted. She didn’t overthink it. Her ears went back, her tail shot up, her haunches were flexed. She was horny. The lucky sample and her were a match.
I mention that study when I try to illustrate the elusive quality of desire; so much of what we are attracted to is unquantifiable. What turns us on is a magical combination of sensual memories and templates (the collection of images and messages we have made sexual meaning from). But what if the stuff that turns us on is born of trauma? And once (said trauma) is healed in a meaningful way…no more horny?!
Unexpected side effect or plot twist?
Does a healthy psyche equal a loss of orgasm? Hopefully, there are more qualified minds applying the scientific method to this question. Nevertheless, I do know sexual pathology and paraphilia all exist on a spectrum of severity.
The therapeutic response to my colleague was desensitization: Expose yourself to a new version of sex, consistently, and that story will eventually become the fantasy.
Knowing what turns you on is your responsibility. An orgasm isn’t a rose bestowed upon you — you have to conduct your own orchestra.
As a Culture, reprogramming our shared language and reorienting the traditional (male) gaze, while maintaining sex positivity, is aspirational. Girls are still being told “boys don’t like it when…(fill in the blank)”, as general life advice. So…yeah, we have work to do but just think of an internet where our #1 porn search was: Trustworthy/Respects my Boundaries.
